As you saw yesterday, my mom had a “birthday” - “the first day of her new life,” as the nurses were saying. I was teasing her that she never knew she would be born 3 times. She was reborn in Christ and now her stem cells caused a rebirth. Kind of cool…

So last night as the day wound down and my dad and I were sitting in the apartment, I leaned out near the window and gazed on San Francisco…

The Bay Bridge was on my right, with Coit Tower on the left. Apartments were below and the Pacific Ocean stretched out in front. Large freight ships lazily sailed to their destination. People walked below - a woman in red sweats swung her arms as she briskly walked the evening away. Cars drove by; the sun was going down… life as usual…

Except life isn’t as usual. As I began to talk to God, I started talking to him about how life may be different forever. It was definitely a conversation - nothing was consuming my heart, and I didn’t feel like he was trying extra hard to say something. The girls at Bible study had prayed over me on Monday that I would have strong faith, and this week has definitely been a week of peace as God and I have been walking together daily - the goal is no circumstantial faith anymore. :o)

I kept hearing my pastor telling us that life sometimes isn’t perfectly packaged the way that we thought it would be. He said that sometimes we have to see “God tracks” to know that we are definitely in God’s will because nothing looks the way we expected. There is no doubt in my mind that we have seen “God Tracks” - now we just wait on His will to be revealed. As my mind travelled and I stared out the window, it was still. God nor I said a word. I resumed observing the San Francisco Friday night hustle and bustle. When quietly, I heard very clearly: “I am the God who heals.”

Obviously, I don’t know what that means in the long run. I’ve learned not to fill in the blanks. God knows. But to hear the reassurance from Him that He is here. He knows. He hasn’t left. He is intimately involved in the situation - more than I am even. He is the God that heals. He has spoken that. I am amazed that He said that to me. Part of me is kind of like, “Did God really say something like that so clearly to me?” But He did. So, I rest in - well, basically, I’m resting in knowing that that I don’t know. :o) But He does.

So we wait ... because He is the God who heals.

So, this truly is a “Journal Entry;” so if you don’t care what I’m thinking, don’t worry about reading this. :o)

So, my pastor at Bible study was talking about Philippians 4 Monday night. Specifically we read this: “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

He was reminding us that we need to rejoice before we have our answer - that we need to be plugged in to Him so that we get His perception of the circumstance, and from that, we find contentment. He reminded us that we, as Christians, are so tempted to trust in Him on a circumstantial basis. We tend to fluctuate with Him depending on the circumstance.

I know that I have not yet mastered being content in every circumstance. Sometimes fear, worries, or insecurities keep me from being content. But God is showing me that He wants me to embrace every season that I am in. He wants me to be content with Him in every season. He wants me to feel His peace no matter what is going on around me. Though the earth give way, I need to be grounded in Him. Though blessings flow, I need to be grounded in Him. Nothing can separate me from Him; so why do I shift and sway as though He has not already taken ahold of what concerns me?

Today I got in from work and the hymn “Crown Him with Many Crowns” came into my head. These are the lyrics:

“Crown him with many crowns,
the Lamb upon his throne,
Hark! how the heavenly anthem drowns
all music but its own.
Awake, my soul, and sing
of him who died for thee,
and hail him as thy matchless King
through all eternity.

Crown him the Lord of life,
who triumphed o’er the grave,
and rose victorious in the strife
for those he came to save.
His glories now we sing,
who died, and rose on high,
who died, eternal life to bring,
and lives that death may die.

Crown him the Lord of love;
behold his hands and side,
those wounds, yet visible above,
in beauty glorified.
All hail, Redeemer, hail!
For thou hast died for me;
thy praise and glory shall not fail
throughout eternity.”

I am learning to praise God before, during, and after every circumstance - every moment of every day. Rejoicing ALWAYS. As we praise God for the victories, we trust Him for the days ahead. The days of sickness, tiredness, pain, and joy. He is crowned in glory. And we share His glory because of what He has done for us. He has crowned us as princes and princesses in His eternal Kingdom. Because He has worn the crown of thorns, we wear a crown of gold and jewels.

Mom, I’m praying for you, and I love you.
“I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me.”

~JID

Thank you, still, for everyone who is leaving us encouragement. As the days go on, your encouragement continues to bless us all.

I left the hospital and, for a few days, am back to only sending prayers for my mom’s healing. My mom is definitely more encouraged today, but at this point her body is kind of discouraging. The edema is causing her legs to be so heavy. She is able to walk short distances, but the water tends to be just “hanging out” in her. The doctors told her she can eat whatever she wants right now as they are trying to “bulk her up” before the chemo, that will, Lord willing, happen this week.

Last I heard…

she is in dialysis and they will hopefully take some water out of her.

I was sleeping as I was flying home, but at one point, I woke up, looked out the window and there it was: Santa Cruz County - “Home”. I could see the cement ship and could figure out where our house was. It was really awesome. I’ve decided that home is where my parents and sister are. So, in a weird way, UCSF Hospital has become “home.”

We are hoping and praying that God will bring complete healing to my mom. “Home” will return to Aptos soon, we hope. There my mom will be able to garden and cook and scrapbook like she loves to do. And God will have restored her body.

No matter what, we trust and hope in Him.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I have decided to stay another day in San Francisco so here I sit. :o) This morning my dad and I got here early and hung out with my mom. She seemed discouraged because she has been in the ICU for so many days and just wants to get the procedure started so that she can, Lord willing, heal that much sooner. God is definitely showing me that I need to trust Him for life. There is no “And now I can take a break from trusting;” every moment we have to rest in God otherwise fear creeps in, and we want to once again control. God wants our trust every moment of every day.

Two of my mom’s brothers came today and while we were in the waiting room my boss called.

He wanted to see how I was and also to let me know that I received a giant family when I came to work there. He told me that The Hollywood Prayer Network had sent out an e-mail to tell people to pray for my mom. He also said that all weekend at the retreat they were praying for me. This morning during church the priest prayed for her as well as one of the members of our board of directors. My boss’ wife said, jokingly, that my mom is healing the Reformation - Catholics and Protestants alike are all praying for my mom. I thought that was funny. In a way it’s kind of true. I see God working peace in a lot of situations. Her name actually means “Peaceful.” That is who she is and what her life is bringing - peace. All that matters is Jesus - he is the healer of bodies and relationships.

A friend of ours keeps sharing with us an image of Jesus being a roaring lion protecting my mom. I love that. I imagine him roaring to protect her and shield her from harm. Yet cuddling with her in her weakness.

Well, after this we went to lunch and during lunch we just kept praying that my mom would be encouraged somehow. When we got back one of the nurses from the 14th floor had come to visit and my mom found out that more than likely they would be moving her back to oncology. Hooray for her feeling like she can move around and have some freedom again! She was definitely encouraged by that.

We trust for God’s healing. We pray that this is His will. God is good. When my dad and I left the hospital to go to sleep last night, God gave me this chapter (Psalm 42):

“As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
‘Where is your God?’

These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
‘Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?’

My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
‘Where is your God?’

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.”

Well, I am sitting in the solarium on the eleventh floor of the hospital. It has huge windows that overlook gigantic eucalyptus trees. My mom just finished kidney dialysis and is now trying to rest. My dad is taking a nap.

The doctor’s came in a little bit ago and said that things are looking okay. Her blood pressure is lower than they would like because they removed fluid from her during dialysis, but they are working on getting her some blood platelets and probably getting some fluid also............

She “ate” something for the first time in 3 days - she had a protein drink - which is an encouraging sign as well. They think they are going to keep her in the ICU until tomorrow to monitor her progress.

Other than being extremely tired, my mom seems to be doing well.  And my dad and I are kind of in the same boat, but, of course not to the extent that my mom is.

One of my dad’s best friends offered to come and pray with my dad this afternoon so I am glad for that as I know he needs encouragement too after being mentally alert for the last 30 days.

People have been generous in their love and support to all of us, which we really appreciate.

One last thing before I stop (sorry, I’m a little more “wordy” than my dad :o) ) is a few verses that I have been reminded of in the last couple of weeks:

“ ‘Behold, God is my salvation,
I will trust and not be afraid;
For the LORD GOD is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.’
Therefore you will joyously draw water
From the springs of salvation.
And in that day you will say,
‘Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name
Make known His deeds among the peoples;
Make them remember that His name is exalted.’
Praise the LORD in song, for He has done excellent things;
Let this be known throughout the earth.
Cry aloud and shout for joy, O inhabitant of Zion,
For great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.”

Isaiah 12:2-6

Be blessed!

So I received a call this morning from my dad at 5:30 telling me that I needed to take a flight to San Francisco. Today was opening day of our Executive Program at work, so I had a car full of stuff for our retreat in Encino, which meant I packed, bought my flight, drove in to Hollywood, dropped everything at work, and then drove to the Burbank airport.

When I arrived in San Jose, Jocelyn picked me up, and we headed to San Francisco. We basically praised God the whole way up. It was amazing to head into an unknown situation and to put myself and my mom back in God’s hands. He truly is faithful.

When we got to San Francisco…

we stopped to pick up breakfast for our dad and us. Afterwards we went to the hospital.

My mom had a massive tube down her throat. She couldn’t even talk - though she did speak sign language to us. (Thus the picture on my dad’s update when she motioned like she was taking a picture and pointed at my sister and I.) Thankfully a couple hours later they had the tube out. She has a scratchy throat, but she made it though. And she was strong enough to have the stem cell harvesting today as well. Thankfully she had an ultra sound on her legs too, and it showed no clots.

God has been so faithful. Simply overnight, He has proven to me that He is listening. I am amazed that God would bend down and care so intimately about us. I suppose we ARE His children. :o) I sat down and prayed last night after I heard that my mom wasn’t doing well. The Holy Spirit guided me so that I was praying things I never would have thought of on my own, and so that I don’t remember most of what I prayed. But all I know is that I prayed that God would stop the bleeding, and He did. He is the great I AM.

Every time I think about my mom, I think about Job. Satan tried so hard to do everything to destroy him, but Job did not falter. My mom is the same way. Satan wants her, but he can’t touch her soul - he can’t touch the heart that God has adopted. He can take her to depths physically, but God is STILL in control. He’s not taking her anywhere that God has not seen. So we cry: Our Redeemer lives! He spoke the world in existence - I did not. He is in control - I am not. He is good. He is faithful. We have hope because He IS.

Praise to the God of all comfort!

First of all, I want to thank each person who has visited and will visit this website with thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement. God has been reminding me over and over, “The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective.” I believe our prayers have been thus far, and I believe they will continue to be. God is in control. As I told my dad today, “We know God is in control; we just have to find out what he’s in control of [as we walk day to day leaving my mom in His hands]”....

My mom has taken an unanticipated turn. She is headed to the ICU as they try to discover why her blood pressure has fallen to 80/40 and why her body is getting rid of blood.

I truly believe that God is in control. No matter the outcome - God knows.

He has given me an abundance of peace as I trust Him from afar when I’d really like to be there every step of the way. Growing up, I would have horrible dreams, so every night before bed, my mom started saying: “May your thoughts and your dreams be of Him.” So, now, we rest in His grace, and may our thoughts and our dreams be of Him as we seek His face and trust His will.

Mom, I love you.

~JID